"Untitled" by Jenn Ashton
Two Poems by J. David
Self portrait as schizophrenic with gender dysphoria
let the boy be a boy and then not for if there has ever been a way
out that is lovely it is lipstick and a sundress it is lovely it is lovely
like that momentary madness that moment my first schizophrenic
episode when I woke full of bones and moons and feathers and
the lilacs I’d swallowed from the bush thinking they would make me
lovely like a sunflower splattered across Van Gogh’s canvas he had
hundreds of them one after another in rows across a warehouse
and nobody would buy them nobody would see them but he
still painted till his fingertips bled and he’d drag them along walls
while swallowing paint chips of yellow like his sunflowers thinking
they would make him happy and after-all there has only ever been
one socially acceptable way of dying and ignoring convention
has never been something smiled upon so I sit alone in a sundress
and lipstick whispering to my sadness and schizophrenia look
how beautiful we can be can you see the sunflowers the yellow
paint chips the bones you hold up the moon you hold still
the feathers you are growing this mess it is lovely it is lovely
let the boy be a boy and then not for if there has ever been a way
out that is lovely it is lipstick and a sundress it is lovely it is lovely
like that momentary madness that moment my first schizophrenic
episode when I woke full of bones and moons and feathers and
the lilacs I’d swallowed from the bush thinking they would make me
lovely like a sunflower splattered across Van Gogh’s canvas he had
hundreds of them one after another in rows across a warehouse
and nobody would buy them nobody would see them but he
still painted till his fingertips bled and he’d drag them along walls
while swallowing paint chips of yellow like his sunflowers thinking
they would make him happy and after-all there has only ever been
one socially acceptable way of dying and ignoring convention
has never been something smiled upon so I sit alone in a sundress
and lipstick whispering to my sadness and schizophrenia look
how beautiful we can be can you see the sunflowers the yellow
paint chips the bones you hold up the moon you hold still
the feathers you are growing this mess it is lovely it is lovely
Said the boy to the lion
I stand at the foot of my bed and wait
for the fever to pass. Still a voyager
in my own body. Whole days I cannot remember
when some strange navigator takes the wheel.
Let me be an offering to whatever god
you’ve been praying. Let me be the closest
you’ve come to belonging. The place you come
to rest among the foxgloves. Where a bluebird
is always a bluebird and not an assurance
of death. Come close enough to kiss me. Close enough
to globe your jaw beneath my neck and drink me dry.
There is an ocean of sand in between us and I am crawling
beneath each pillar of dust. I did not intend to spend this life
wishing for another. Rocking back and forth
in bars to druggies belting Bob Dylan songs. Your mouth.
My neck. A trembling candle folded in prayer hands.
I stand at the foot of my bed and wait
for the fever to pass. Still a voyager
in my own body. Whole days I cannot remember
when some strange navigator takes the wheel.
Let me be an offering to whatever god
you’ve been praying. Let me be the closest
you’ve come to belonging. The place you come
to rest among the foxgloves. Where a bluebird
is always a bluebird and not an assurance
of death. Come close enough to kiss me. Close enough
to globe your jaw beneath my neck and drink me dry.
There is an ocean of sand in between us and I am crawling
beneath each pillar of dust. I did not intend to spend this life
wishing for another. Rocking back and forth
in bars to druggies belting Bob Dylan songs. Your mouth.
My neck. A trembling candle folded in prayer hands.
J. David is from Cleveland, Ohio and serves as poetry editor for Flypaper Magazine.
North Vancouver, B.C. Artist, and Author Jenn Ashton has lived a creative life that has encompassed everything from farming to the Boardroom; from BC to Harvard and back again. Coming from an artistic family she has brought a creative flair to all her projects large and small. Jenn is known for her originality, resourcefulness, and vision. JennAshtonArt.com
