self portrait that is a pact with loneliness by Joanna Acevedo
and i am concerned
with building a better mouse trap. that I could catch you
in your skin self
tantalizes me. i am currently lonely. without you, i am a door without a lock.
a key without teeth. a stain.
i have a dream that my teeth grow to the length of my arm. without you here
to tell me what it means,
i am lost.
but i am getting used to being alone. i am getting used to store-bought dopamine.
everyone says i'm doing better. i build spring-loaded traps
and catch only rabbits. you elude me.
i want to hold my fear in my hands and soothe it with soft words and gestures.
guillotine. noose. glue trap. i am angry with you for leaving
but there are so many methods.
there is the hunter and the hunted. i'm not sure which category i fall into.
you know how to shoot a gun. i could never kill a living thing.
i let all the rabbits and mice go. catch and release.
but if i caught you,
i would hold on tight with both hands,
until you stopped wriggling.
i would wipe your brow, run my hands through your crazy hair.
i would never be lonely again. we would sit in the dark, not saying anything, until the distance
between us became a living thing.
with building a better mouse trap. that I could catch you
in your skin self
tantalizes me. i am currently lonely. without you, i am a door without a lock.
a key without teeth. a stain.
i have a dream that my teeth grow to the length of my arm. without you here
to tell me what it means,
i am lost.
but i am getting used to being alone. i am getting used to store-bought dopamine.
everyone says i'm doing better. i build spring-loaded traps
and catch only rabbits. you elude me.
i want to hold my fear in my hands and soothe it with soft words and gestures.
guillotine. noose. glue trap. i am angry with you for leaving
but there are so many methods.
there is the hunter and the hunted. i'm not sure which category i fall into.
you know how to shoot a gun. i could never kill a living thing.
i let all the rabbits and mice go. catch and release.
but if i caught you,
i would hold on tight with both hands,
until you stopped wriggling.
i would wipe your brow, run my hands through your crazy hair.
i would never be lonely again. we would sit in the dark, not saying anything, until the distance
between us became a living thing.
Joanna Acevedo received her BA in Literary Studies from the New School in 2019. She currently studies Fiction at New York University, where she is working on her MFA. She is the author of The Pathophysiology of Longing (Black Centipede Press, 2020) and her work has been seen in Track Four, Mikrokosmos, Seventh Wave Magazine, and others. She is a Hospitalfield 2020 Interdisciplinary Resident, Goldwater Fellow, Prose Editor at Inklette Magazine and teaches creative writing at NYU.
RowanArtC feels that the work should speak for itself and invites the viewers to go wild with their imagination. The world within us (random thoughts and emotions) is a rich spring of inspiration for her work.